I Like You.
Right here, is the bare truth.
And I am done.
I am done acting like it’s okay when it’s not.
I am done talking to you, aching for you to understand me and you pretending like it’s just a normal conversation. I am done trying to pretend like it’s okay to let this go, even without trying.
Because you know what?
We’ve been so trapped in all these social mazes. Pathways that restrict you to talk about EXACTLY what’s going on inside you. These sly bastards of protocols just making you tweak the words, not look at someone you like too much, not let them know how much you feel, when you just want to do all of the above. And that too, a lot.
We’ve forgotten how utterly freeing honesty can be. When you just walk up to someone who vibes with your heart to tell them that, “Hey, I may not know you, but I want to. Because somehow my soul feels a little more welcome around you, a little more alive.
But we won’t. We don’t.
We’ll play chase.
We’ll go “You have to want me first for me to want you.” Or. “If you invest this much in me, I’ll invest equally.”
We stomp upon our hearts, we lie awake thinking why we feel this way, why we feel so much.
God, we are so afraid.
We are so afraid to get hurt. We are so afraid of pain.
And that’s exactly why we push away from anything that kicks us off our comfort.
We want to fall in love but we don’t want to give it all.
We want to kiss till 4 a.m. but don’t want to bare our hearts.
We want to look into each other’s eyes but not embrace the demons and fears lurking in their depths.
Ah, but what if I want to just come to you and tell you that I love you?
That I don’t give two fucks about these idiotic rules.
That on a planet with feeling beings, trying not to feel is just so wasted.
That I’d like to give us a chance. A fair chance.
And I don’t mean half-hearted promises. I mean the kind of words that are followed by actions to cement them into time and space.
So would you?
Would you allow me in,
It is the fifth day since I last slept, and I cannot construct one coherent sentence out of my cerebral capacity.My mom had called me yesterday. I was still frisking the air for words when she hung up. The phone had rung thrice. I remember.
My room smells of gore and puke. Lover sits before me – immobile – his eyes upturned, half-open, like a door left ajar, unsure if he wants to let go of his thinning hold on this pretty world.
I remember it was last Monday that lover told me about a girl who had caught his fancy. He said he wanted an escape. I had spent days crying and begging for him to stay. But he left.
That girl lies dead, next to him, in my room.
Lover sits here before me, a splinter jutting from his mangled neck. It had gloriously spurted arterial blood when I shoved a broken bottle down his throat.
Lover had always had a thing for empty bottles.
I pick up my phone and text: “Hey mom! It’s a lovely day here. I’ll go out and have some wine today. Love.”
Lover is staring at me. His gaze, I tell you!— He always gave me butterflies in the stomach with that gaze of his.
“I love you,” I whisper, gently slitting his wrists, “forever. ”
I kiss his gnarled lip. I think I can sleep now.
Hey, mate. Recognize me? Well, of course you do. I am the same little voice in your head that you keep talking to. I thought I should remind you that you are not alone. I am here just for you.
When God created you, He knew that a time will come when you’ll feel lonely and you’ll have nobody to go to. And He created me for you.
I am a part of you, do you feel me? I live in your heart, I run in your blood and I am a part of your soul.
Remember the times when you get so excited about something and you don’t have anyone to share it with? You talk to me, your inner voice, and you share your happiness with me.
Those midnights when you sit alone under the sky, looking at the stars and thinking about your dreams, you tell me all the possible ways of chasing your dreams. You don’t think about the impossibilities, because at that particular moment, you can give it your all to get what you want.
Remember those big fights with your best friend? The person you share everything with? You sit alone in your room that night and tell me that no matter how big the fight is, he’ll always be your best friend. That night you cry for him while sharing with me all the beautiful memories of him. I feel so proud of your sincerity at that time.
The day when you see your crush walking across the hallway, a million thoughts come into your mind when she passes you a sweet smile. I enjoy it while you imagine marrying her someday.
You are never able to express how much you love your Mom and Dad, do you? You are always shy in front of them and never say anything but when you are alone with me, you silently pray for their health and comfort. I love making plans with you of buying all the gifts for your parents with your first salary.
And when you see something in the shop that you can’t afford, you complain to me about the little amount of pocket money that you get and I always remind you that you don’t need to buy that stuff anyway.
I am here for you when you fail your exam you studied whole night for. When you feel like a loser and can’t face it. I am here to tell you that a single exam can’t judge your intelligence. You are far better than this.
And then there are days that are dark and gloomy. When your head is full of stressful thoughts. When nobody seems to understand what you are going through and you can’t find the right words to express it. I listen to you as you think about giving up. You are vulnerable and weak at that moment. You feel disconnected and overwhelmed. But I never let you feel alone. I always remind you that you can talk to me about it.
I know your highs and your lows. I know your dreams and obsessions. I know your strengths and weaknesses.
I just want to tell you that no matter what, I am always going to be by your side because I am You. I am alive as long as you are and I am only yours. I understand your emotions and you can always talk to me about them. We are in this together and it doesn’t matter if anybody else supports you or not, I always will.
So cheers, mate! Because this little inner voice of yours will never leave you alone. This inner voice is with you, always.
There are times in life when we are attracted to things, people, and passion, and so on. Slowly and gradually when we meet new people, they shape our lives in different shapes and change our perception. Human nature is just like that.
At this point, she has given up on relationships. Maybe not forever, but for a while. She has been trying to find love for so long, but what actually she has found that she is not ready for love. She has changed and does not know when she will be ready again.
It is not that she is scared of commitment; she is just scared of spending more time, being loyal to someone who is not worth it.
It is not that she is afraid of trust, she is just afraid of investing herself in someone who cannot be honest with her.
It is not that she is frightened of attachment; she is just frightened of getting so close to someone that she will not be able to leave if she needs to. While she has been hurt by many people, she knows it is also her fault for not being able to be ALONE, it is her fault for catching feelings so EASILY, and it is her fault for not properly giving herself time to process everything she has been through.
She has just figured out that it is time to give her heart a BREAK. She would rather be SINGLE and LONELY than to be miserable with someone who is supposed to make her happy.
She would rather wait until something real comes along than to get back with someone who always makes her feel like something is wrong with her. She would rather find herself in the meantime than to find herself in another mistake. She would rather be heartless than heartbroken.
Therefore, if you are a person who wants to be with her right now, just keep yourself to her side for a while before you shout at her. Just think for a moment to keep your behavior softer and ask what she wishes for this relationship. Just keep yourself to her side and imagine losing the gem you had in your life.
You know, she is an artist. She does every possible way to see curve on your lips. Sometimes she collects the broken pieces, put into the order, and fills those gaps with beautiful colors. She is a great artist.
SO, NEVER HURT HER.
The situations that even I’ve faced at some point in my life as well… I couldn’t describe it any better…
“Will they assume I am a psycho?”
“Will they judge me?” …”What if they start thinking low of me?”
“What if my Boss thinks I am too mentally weak?”….”Will I get fired?”
“Will my family and friends understand?”…”Will they put up with me and accept who I am?”
These are few of the everyday thoughts that a person who is suffering from Depression or Anxiety (or any other mental illness) have. The morning starts with “Oh god, not again!”. Then starts the regular day of a depressed person, who by the way, also suffers from accute anxiety. I am going to put my example here as everyone has a different way of dealing with the ‘condition’, as most of the people would call it. And just for everyone’s information, NO two persons go through the same feeling while being depressed. I realised it after I started my therapy and treatment. I…
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Why do we stress on being perfect? Why do we get addicted to stuff? Why do we judge others?
Life is something which we don’t know why we have, what’s our aim in it & why do we exist. Shit that’s just another line of questions this time without question marks. Why am I thinking about this? I have no idea. I reflect on stuff, I like to think. Well, I guess everyone thinks about something; be it about the tiny thread which needs to be cut from the side of their tee or the upcoming weekend when they’ll meet up with their cousins and play a game of cards.
In terms of exposure to different environments, I’ve been quite lucky. Having lived not only in different cities but in different countries has provided me with a healthy type of people whom I observed daily, lived, played and ate with daily. The cultural differences they talk about, there’s none. To be fair, despite the fact I believe generalization for anything is wrong, but you have all the types of people in the same ratio in every country, every place. It’s not how they’re brought up but I guess it’s just that there can’t be 60 same natured, and with same IQ levels and with same thought processes people in a class. However we put it, no person is the same. Or are they? I mean, I’d say I’ve actually met two people who remind me of myself. How often is that? Generally it’s the elders telling us, or stating that son you remind me of my childhood or man I was like that 5 years back.
Yesterday I was speaking with someone about change. Which actually made me realise that despite thinking about change quite a lot and on quite a wide panel, there was this person with a whole new approach to the idea. What they said actually made me ponder for two straight hours. Change is good. Change is bad. I believe that it’s necessary. Basically, change is something we should cherish. It may be bad but when change removes the staleness or the stagnant state our life was in. My mum always tells me, if you can live with change and adapt to change, you’ve actually won in life; or maybe she means there you go, that’s one step closer to perfect.
That brings me to my next point. Can perfection ever be achieved? Actually, we achieve perfection daily. Just think about your morning. You look yourself in the mirror before going out. Outfit for the day? Looks good. Hair? After combing with your fingers a couple of times even after setting it properly just a minute ago when you were doing your hair you just think now it looks better. It’s perfect now. Well the definition just changed. Inside a minute, you combed your hair to perfection according to you and then you waved your hand through it twice and felt better about your look. More perfect maybe? Wait what is better than perfect? Does something like that exist? Maybe. I mean perfect it just a word we set. With the freedom in a language there’s no rule which rules out the phrase ‘more perfect.’ Coming back to the point, you think you’re looking perfect for the day one second and next moment it changes. Hell if your friend walks in and goes, “What in the earth are you wearing Karan!?” Shit. Shit. Shit. What just happened? You doubt yourself. Wait why didn’t my perfect match his perfect? As a matter of fact he just demeaned my outfit so much that I’ve started to think that the past 30 minutes I spent dressing up was for nothing. I guess it’s time to change again. Lesson learned? Yes, don’t listen to others. Their perfect won’t match yours. They throw a pun at you, throw one back. A more dangerous, perhaps one more realizing or sometimes more insulting depending on the situation and the person. That’s how I like to do it. That’s how I think it’s perfect to reply in that situation.
It’s time for sharing some motivational self-experience… ☺☺
I tell you life is interesting. Life is a journey. You take steps in this direction, you take steps in that direction. Soon you get lost along the way and sometimes you fall down. But I tell you, there is sometimes in life, where you fall down and you feel like you don’t have the strength to get back up. Then fear comes in. Maybe you have doubt in your life. Maybe you don’t know for sure what’s going to be happening in the future and it scares you. Maybe you’re worried about what people think of you, what they say about you. That FEAR paralyses you and I just want to ask you today, “Do you think you’ve any hope?” When you get old in life, things get taken from you. That’s post of life. You only learn that when you start losing stuff. There are some things in life that are out of your control, that you can’t change and you got to live with it. The choice that we have though is either to give up or keep on going. I tell you what that, “I’ll try one hundred times to get up and if I fail one hundred times and I give up, do you think I’m ever going to get up? No. But if I fail, I try again and again and again. For as long as I try, there is always that chance of getting up. And anyways remember that it’s not the end until you’ve given up.” You can stay here, get the sh*t kicked out of yourself or you can fight your way back into the light. You can climb out of hell. One inch at a time. You Will FAIL at some point in your life, accept it. You Will LOSE, You Will EMBARASS yourself. You Will S**k at something. Some failure in life is inevitable. It is IMPOSSIBLE to live without Failing at something. Unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case, you fail by default. To get something you never had, you’ve to do something you never did. Nothing in life is worthwhile unless you take risks. If you feel you’ve something to give, if you feel your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for, then there’s nothing you can’t achieve. As you start to know what you want, to understand why you’re doing it, to dedicate every breathe in your body, to achieve what you feel and what you want to accomplish. So to achieve that you gotta get out there and give it everything you got, whether it’s your time, your talent or your treasures. While it may be frightening, it will also be rewarding. Because the chances you take, the faith that you have that’s what is going to define you. The inches we need to succeed are everywhere around us. They’re in every break of a game, every minute, every second. It’s the person whose willing to die, will be the one to win that inch. You have to work harder than you think you possibly can and it doesn’t matter how you get knocked disc in life because that’s going to happen. All that matters is that you got to get up. It matters how you’re gonna finish. Are you gonna finish it strong? So take the chances, Rise Again and achieve the heights of success….